Children with Shy or Slow to Warm Up Temperaments

Temperament and Children Who Are Slow to Warm-Up

Every child is born with his own way of approaching the world, which we call “temperament.” A child’s approach to new situations and unfamiliar people is one very important temperament characteristic. The fact is that some children are naturally more comfortable in new situations and jump right in, whereas others are more cautious and need time and support from caring adults to feel safe in unfamiliar situations. At the same time, these children are often very careful observers who learn a lot from what they see, and who may be more inclined to think through situations before they act—an important skill.

Temperament is not something your child chooses, nor is it something that you created. There is not a “right” or “wrong” or “better” or “worse” temperament. But temperament is a very important factor in your child’s development because it shapes the way she experiences and reacts to the world. A child who is cautious and a child who jumps right in are likely to have very different experiences going to your annual family reunion, for example, and will need different kinds of support from you.

Also, keep in mind that cultural expectations play a role in a child’s sociability as there are cultural differences around how “shyness” is valued. For example, in some cultures, shyness is seen as a positive attribute and is encouraged and expected. In others, being more assertive is more highly valued.

Coping with New People and Experiences

Some children seem to come out of the womb waving hello. Others are more hesitant around people they don’t know, beginning even as young babies. As they grow, these children often prefer to play with just one or two close friends, instead of a large group. Children who are slow to warm up often need time and support from trusted caregivers to feel comfortable interacting in new places or with new people.

Remember that a child’s behavior can vary in different situations. You may find your toddler is very quiet at a friend’s birthday party but is chatty as can be with his grandparents, whom he knows well and adores. Children who are slow to warm up are often very happy playing by themselves or just hanging out with you. Although they may need less, or different, kinds of social interactions, these children are just as happy as their more outgoing peers.

Coping with Change

Young children are known for being inflexible about their routines and are generally not thrilled about change. However, some children seem to have an easier time with transitions, are more flexible, and can move from one activity to another more easily than others. Children who are slow to warm up often prefer things to stay the same and are more resistant to trying something new, such as a new babysitter or even a new car seat. It’s not uncommon to hear lots of “No, No, No!s” in these situations. Cautious kids often need time and support before they are ready to make a transition. Routines are especially important and comforting. They help children feel in control of their world.

What to Expect from Birth to Three

Birth to 18 Months

Beginning at about 8–9 months of age, almost all babies are coping with separation and stranger anxiety. These are important developmental stages that most babies go through and are not the same as shyness. However, it is important to keep in mind that babies who are by nature more slow to warm up, often experience difficulty with separations and may have a harder time being soothed.

• Separations are a big issue at this stage because babies now:
• Understand that they are their “own person,” separate from their parents.
• Recognize the difference between familiar people and unfamiliar people.

Understand that people and things still exist even when out of their sight (object permanence). You see that your baby understands this concept when she looks for a toy that is hidden in a toy box, or for a ball that has rolled under the couch. Babies’ ability to grasp this idea is why, at this time, they often begin protesting at bedtime, crying out when put to sleep. They now know that you are still out there somewhere after saying good night, and naturally, want to make you come back!

During this period, babies who previously had separated easily may start to cry and protest more at partings (such as drop-off at child care or bedtime) than they did before.

You can help reassure your baby by always saying good-bye. Give her a big hug and tell her she is in really good hands. With a smile, let her know that she will be just fine and you will see her later. Also, be sure your baby (over one year of age) has a “lovey” or special stuffed animal/blanket to cuddle while you are away. Although tempting, avoid sneaking out when you have to leave your little one in someone else’s care. Sneaking out sends the message that you think you are doing something wrong by leaving her. This can increase any fearfulness she has about separations and being cared for by others.

Even at this young age, babies differ in their approach to social situations. Some seem eager to interact with anyone they meet. They coo and babble to the person behind you in the grocery line, and crawl or run up to another mom reading books to her own children at the library. Other babies are more cautious around new people. They don’t seem to like being held or cuddled by people they don’t know well. They cling to you, or hide behind your leg, when meeting someone new. They are slow to warm-up and need time to get adjusted to and feel comfortable with new people.

It’s important to keep in mind that the goal is not to change your baby’s temperament. It is critical they feel accepted and respected for they are. You support your baby when you help their caregivers understand who they are and what they need. Talk with caregivers about a child’s temperament, how they like to be soothed, what comforts them, and how they prefer to be held. This information is important because it helps your child’s caregivers provide the care they need and deserve, and makes a shy child feel safe with and trust their caregivers.

18 to 36 Months

You may see your slow-to-warm-up toddler:

• Stick close to you when meeting new people or at activities like story hour at the library.
• Need some time to get comfortable in a new setting, such as a friend’s house or new playground, before she settles in and starts to play.
• Rarely talk to people he doesn’t know.
• Prefer to play with you, or have you close while she plays with others.
• Have a difficult time transitioning to a new caregiver, such as a new babysitter.
• Appear overwhelmed (cry, protest, want to leave, etc.) in busy, social settings like a mall, playground, or birthday parties.

Seem fearful at activities like parent–baby music or gymnastics classes.

Between ages 2–3, as your child starts to play more interactively with other children, you may find that they prefer to play with just one or two other good friends, rather than with a large group. This is very common. Remember, there is no right way to be social. What makes a child happy can be quite different depending on the child. The number of friends a child has is not necessarily an important factor. The quality of the friendship is.

Toddlers who are slow to warm up may also benefit from structured activities to help them transition to playing with others. For example, at the beginning of play time or a party, you may suggest making music (a wooden spoon and pot is perfect) or playing outside in a sandbox. This type of play gives a shy child some time to engage in side-by-side play before getting into more interactive activities. It can also help to schedule playtimes and parties at your home when possible so that a shy child is somewhere she feels safe, secure, and confident.

Remember—temperament is not destiny. You can respect your child’s slow-to-warm-up nature while helping him learn the skills they need to adjust to new situations and new people successfully. For example, when you arrive at a new playground where there are lots of children playing, follow your child’s lead and just watch the action for a while. Then, when you see a child feeling more relaxed and interested in what is going on around him, suggest that you push him in the swing or go down the slide with them. Ask them to pick a piece of equipment to explore next. Step by step, with time, you help your child adjust to this new place—and enjoy themselves.