Most children develop control over their bowel and bladder by 18 months. This skill is necessary for children to physically be able to use the toilet. How ready a child is emotionally to begin learning to use the potty depends on the individual child. Some children are ready at 18 months, and others are ready at 3. While every child is different, about 22% of children are out of diapers by 2½, and 88% of children are out of diapers by 3½.
A child is ready to learn to use the toilet when they:
when children are going through a significant change or several changes at once it might be smart to hold off on adventures in potty training. At these times, children often feel overwhelmed and sometimes lose skills they have already learned or were making progress on, like potty training.
If a child is in the middle of potty training during a stressful time and seems to be having more accidents than usual, know that this is normal. The child needs all of your patience and support right now and will return to their previous level of potty training once things have gotten back to normal.
Common situations that can cause stress and are generally not good times to start training include:
It is a parent and caregivers’ responsibility to create a supportive learning environment. This means they:
It is the child’s responsibility to:
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Toddlers are all about trying to gain some control over their world. They are using their growing physical, thinking, and language skills to gain some power over themselves, their bodies, and their surroundings. This natural and healthy desire for control can lead to power struggles, as children quickly figure out that one way to feel in charge is by refusing to do something they know their parent wants them to do. And, for better or worse, learning to use the potty is way up there on most parents’ list of what they really, really, really want their children to do—and children quickly pick up on that. (Just picture mom and dad clapping and jumping up and down when they see their child’s first bowel movement in the potty.)
It’s important to approach toilet training matter-of-factly and without a lot of emotion. Think of it as just another skill you are helping a child learn. If you show anger or disappointment when it’s not going well, or overwhelming joy when it is, it lets the child know this is something you want them to do badly. Refusing to do it becomes a very powerful way for a child to feel in control. The more emotional you are, the more it shows the child how much it matters to you that they use the potty.
It is also very important not to force a child to use the potty because it can cause intense power struggles. These power struggles sometimes lead to children trying to regain control over their bodies by withholding urine or bowel movements. This can create physical problems, like constipation. If you are starting to see power struggles developing over potty training, it might help to take the pressure off. Stop talking about potty training or doing anything about it for a little while, until the child shows signs of readiness and interest again.
Although these kinds of rewards may encourage progress in the short run, the concern is that for some children, the pressure of “success” in the form of the reward creates anxiety or feelings of failure when they have a (very normal and even expected) potty accident. The other risk is that the use of rewards for toileting can lead children to expect rewards for doing almost anything—finishing a meal, brushing teeth, etc. When parents are matter-of-fact about potty training and don’t make a big deal about it, children are more likely to follow their own internal desire to reach this important milestone.
Reach out to the child’s health care provider with your questions or concerns about potty training. You may also want to sit down with a child development specialist who can help figure out what the challenges around potty training might be for an individual child and can help you identify toilet learning strategies that might be more successful.
The first three years set the stage for lifelong success.
